My Heart
Hi friends, Bettina here...
All of our blog posts up to date have been news, progress and excitement, and while all of that is true and genuine, there are more times of anxiousness, unrest and disappointment. Over the last few weeks these feelings have intensified and I thought I'd share a little glimpse into our process...
Most of you have children and know the unconditional love that goes along with that. Parenthood is hard and challenging and awesome all at the same time, but the love you have for your children outweighs all the rest. Well adoption is the same, except that it's long and hard and messy and awesome before you even bring your children home. I think in our case people don't understand how we can love these children we've never met; how our lives can be turned upside down when they are not even here in the United States with us. I understand where they're coming from, and to be honest, I may have thought the same thing before we started this process...but now I know. Now I understand the ache and sadness and anxiousness that accompanies this unconditional love I have for my boys whom I've never met. There are times when (for example just last night), my heart is so full that I can't help but cry at the thought of not having them here in our arms. Not being able to protect them or feed them or love them like they should be loved. I know God can do this WAY better than me, but the wait and anticipation of this process is a killer. Adoption is not pregnancy. So many people have equated the wait time for our adoption to the gestation time of a baby. I understand the connection, and while I've never been pregnant, it doesn't quite feel the same. During pregnancy you are constantly reminded of this little one growing inside you; they are moving and changing...and you are growing and changing. With adoption there is excitement, enthusiasm and strength, but all throughout a constant fight to defend who you are as a person, why this is important to you, why we wouldn't just have "children of our own", do we make enough money, is our house "approved" to bring them home, are WE approved to bring them home, and the list goes on. I've never in my whole life had to defend who I am and why I want to help these children than I have in the last 9 months. The truth is I already love these children and I'm believing and trusting God everyday to bring them home to us. We're believing for things to go smoothly with no delays or hold-ups. I ask God everyday to give me peace and calm this ache inside me to have control over the whole situation. I've realized in all of this that I have no control. That our adoption is in God's hands and our boys are in God's hands. That every time I read an update or a change in the country that brings me instant fear, I turn it over to God AGAIN because without Him I'd be an absolute mess (and by that I mean worse than I already am!).
Every week is a roller coaster of emotion and I try my hardest to keep it all together. On top of the emotion of loving my boys who are halfway around the world, there are 100 e-mails to answer, paperwork to sign, logistics to work out, and fundraising to do. I've spent countless hours trying to figure out how this adoption is going to get funded, and the thought is SO daunting. While people have been beyond kind, supportive and generous, there is always this underlying concern of, "where will the next $10,000 come from?", "how are we going to afford the plane tickets?", "how are we going to pay our mortgage and live in Uganda with 2 children for 2-3 months?", and the questions go on and on.
Just when I think one phase is over and things will get easier there is something else that gets added to the pile. For example, now that our paperwork is done, I have moved on to applications for adoption grants which seem to be just as long and tedious as the paperwork itself. It's again challenging who we are as people, who we are in God, and basing a grant award on how we answer these questions. It's infuriating. Why does it all have to be so hard? Why does it all have to be questioned as if we're doing this with a malicious intent? Just when I feel my emotions can't get any more out of whack...BAM...we get another request for more information...NOT an approval and the waterworks start. I don't say all of this as a complaint or that I'm ungrateful, because I'm not. This process has strengthened my relationship with God, my relationship with Paul, my faith and my strength and for that I am forever grateful. Additionally, this would not be doable without God and the constant support of our friends and family, who have been invaluable in our process. I say this because this is the reality of my day to day. This is what I feel in between all the excitement and progress and what makes it all so hard. I say this to allow people to understand that without God this wouldn't be possible.
My heart is SO full of love for these children and for Uganda and I'm constantly trying to figure out a way to help be a part of the change and not add to the burden. I've realized God put this on our hearts for a reason, and while these children are the main event, I know God has something bigger in store in all of this. Our lives have been turned upside down and inside out, and I am learning to trust God in EVERYTHING and wait on Him and His timing.
Thank you to all of you who are praying for us, supporting us and loving on us. Your support is invaluable and I can't tell you how much good it does to hear kind words of love and encouragement. Every day is a challenge, but it's also one step closer to bringing our boys home. God is faithful and we will rest in that until they are home.
Love to you all,
All of our blog posts up to date have been news, progress and excitement, and while all of that is true and genuine, there are more times of anxiousness, unrest and disappointment. Over the last few weeks these feelings have intensified and I thought I'd share a little glimpse into our process...
Most of you have children and know the unconditional love that goes along with that. Parenthood is hard and challenging and awesome all at the same time, but the love you have for your children outweighs all the rest. Well adoption is the same, except that it's long and hard and messy and awesome before you even bring your children home. I think in our case people don't understand how we can love these children we've never met; how our lives can be turned upside down when they are not even here in the United States with us. I understand where they're coming from, and to be honest, I may have thought the same thing before we started this process...but now I know. Now I understand the ache and sadness and anxiousness that accompanies this unconditional love I have for my boys whom I've never met. There are times when (for example just last night), my heart is so full that I can't help but cry at the thought of not having them here in our arms. Not being able to protect them or feed them or love them like they should be loved. I know God can do this WAY better than me, but the wait and anticipation of this process is a killer. Adoption is not pregnancy. So many people have equated the wait time for our adoption to the gestation time of a baby. I understand the connection, and while I've never been pregnant, it doesn't quite feel the same. During pregnancy you are constantly reminded of this little one growing inside you; they are moving and changing...and you are growing and changing. With adoption there is excitement, enthusiasm and strength, but all throughout a constant fight to defend who you are as a person, why this is important to you, why we wouldn't just have "children of our own", do we make enough money, is our house "approved" to bring them home, are WE approved to bring them home, and the list goes on. I've never in my whole life had to defend who I am and why I want to help these children than I have in the last 9 months. The truth is I already love these children and I'm believing and trusting God everyday to bring them home to us. We're believing for things to go smoothly with no delays or hold-ups. I ask God everyday to give me peace and calm this ache inside me to have control over the whole situation. I've realized in all of this that I have no control. That our adoption is in God's hands and our boys are in God's hands. That every time I read an update or a change in the country that brings me instant fear, I turn it over to God AGAIN because without Him I'd be an absolute mess (and by that I mean worse than I already am!).
Every week is a roller coaster of emotion and I try my hardest to keep it all together. On top of the emotion of loving my boys who are halfway around the world, there are 100 e-mails to answer, paperwork to sign, logistics to work out, and fundraising to do. I've spent countless hours trying to figure out how this adoption is going to get funded, and the thought is SO daunting. While people have been beyond kind, supportive and generous, there is always this underlying concern of, "where will the next $10,000 come from?", "how are we going to afford the plane tickets?", "how are we going to pay our mortgage and live in Uganda with 2 children for 2-3 months?", and the questions go on and on.
Just when I think one phase is over and things will get easier there is something else that gets added to the pile. For example, now that our paperwork is done, I have moved on to applications for adoption grants which seem to be just as long and tedious as the paperwork itself. It's again challenging who we are as people, who we are in God, and basing a grant award on how we answer these questions. It's infuriating. Why does it all have to be so hard? Why does it all have to be questioned as if we're doing this with a malicious intent? Just when I feel my emotions can't get any more out of whack...BAM...we get another request for more information...NOT an approval and the waterworks start. I don't say all of this as a complaint or that I'm ungrateful, because I'm not. This process has strengthened my relationship with God, my relationship with Paul, my faith and my strength and for that I am forever grateful. Additionally, this would not be doable without God and the constant support of our friends and family, who have been invaluable in our process. I say this because this is the reality of my day to day. This is what I feel in between all the excitement and progress and what makes it all so hard. I say this to allow people to understand that without God this wouldn't be possible.
My heart is SO full of love for these children and for Uganda and I'm constantly trying to figure out a way to help be a part of the change and not add to the burden. I've realized God put this on our hearts for a reason, and while these children are the main event, I know God has something bigger in store in all of this. Our lives have been turned upside down and inside out, and I am learning to trust God in EVERYTHING and wait on Him and His timing.
Thank you to all of you who are praying for us, supporting us and loving on us. Your support is invaluable and I can't tell you how much good it does to hear kind words of love and encouragement. Every day is a challenge, but it's also one step closer to bringing our boys home. God is faithful and we will rest in that until they are home.
Love to you all,