Week 12...Remaining Faithful

Nov 7

Written By Bettina

Hi All,

This week will again be less detailed than usual. To be honest, I'm feeling a bit like a zombie these days, and Paul and I are doing everything we can to just get through. We are exhausted beyond belief, tired of being uncomfortable, and ready to have some help. I've also been sick again this week, which has made all of this infinitely harder than it needs to be. If I'm being transparent here, we are feeling alone, overwhelmed and frustrated. We hardly sleep at night for so many reasons beyond our control, the boys have been sleeping terribly as well which only adds to our stress, and with the uncertainty of our timeline to come home, everything just seems so difficult.

The rain has been miserable, and we've found ourselves walking through ridiculous amounts of mud and rain just to make it to shelter or to make it back home. Since we have no other way to get around, we are normally soaked, dirty and spent by the time we reach our destination, and it definitely makes keeping our routine very difficult. It's made our time inside infinitely longer, which with 2 active toddlers, is not fun. We have also seemingly run out of things to do, so Paul and I are trying to embrace the day to day and just take it as it comes. Most days have been our usual morning routine of breakfast and getting all of us ready, before heading to the orphanage to check-in. Based on what news we get, we either work on tasks to send off to local offices, or head for a spot of coffee and take a breath. We haven't done anything fun or new or different over this week, and we're trying to be okay with that. Another family adopting from our orphanage arrived this week, so we have spent quite a bit of our time showing them the ropes. They definitely seem overwhelmed with the process and paperwork, so I have put together handouts and checklists for them to make it less daunting. We have also tried to find them room at our guesthouse, as I know our experience would have been so much worse without Alba's. It was nice to step out of myself again and be able to help this couple with their current needs. They have a long road ahead of them, but I'm confident God is with them.

Tuesday was tough as Jon and Becca headed home without us, when we were all supposed to fly out together. As they were driving away in the car to the airport, Paul and I both stood outside on the concrete and sobbed. It was our way of grieving what their departure meant, and even more so, the loss of the hope we were holding onto to go home together. Not to mention J has been so out of sorts this week, and it has been challenging just trying to get him settled. He must have sensed the change in our demeanor and emotions, because the change in his behavior didn't start until Tuesday, which was when everything really set in for us. My heart has been downcast much of this week, and it's been hard to find the joy in the day to day. I know that sounds dramatic, and maybe it is, but when you're still riding the roller coaster you got on 3 months ago, it's simply the truth. I feel like I don't know what normal is anymore, because this time has changed so much so fast. We have been through a lot and have given so much of ourselves to our boys, and we are realizing that our hearts need refreshment. We need to be home.

Our tempers are definitely short these days, and we find ourselves having to "take 10" often just to keep ourselves in check. We love our boys more than anything, but after 3 months of all day, everyday entertainment, with no help, and all the emotional and physical challenges surrounding it all, we are SPENT. Our tanks are empty and our patience is running thin, and it takes a lot of energy to just remain calm in the storm. The boys continue to test us with their behaviors, mainly to see how consistent we will be, but we are feeling the effects of it all, and are in need of a respite. I think while most people understand adoption is different, there really is no comparison to "normal" children growing up in America. Our boys have been through incredibly traumatic experiences, and even though they are just children, all of the garbage they've experienced is in them somewhere. As they get more comfortable with us...as they trust us more...all of this garbage comes out in different ways, at different times and often when you least expect it. Until us, they have never had anything truly consistent or loving in their lives, and even though they love being with us, it's clear how petrified they are that we will leave them. We never know what will trigger a tantrum or tears or a fear response, and as a parent it's really hard to not know what is going through your child's head or heart when they are in that state. We work hard to reassure them and comfort them constantly, even when their behavior doesn't warrant it, but in those awful moments, when we feel like it couldn't get any worse, that's when God steps in and reminds us that He is healing them little by little; but the depth of their wounds will take time to heal. The beautiful moments of the day when our boys say I love you or just come hug us for no reason, we are reminded of why we are doing this and why we said yes to this call on our lives. On the flip side, it doesn't make the day to day emotion of it all just go away, and Paul and I often need to talk through what's going on, so we can process it and move forward. I was talking to another adoptive mom this week and we were remarking on how "unnatural" adoption is. Not to say it's not beautiful and awesome and important, but it's simply not the norm. This conversation definitely put my mind at ease, because, let me tell you, it's not easy. None of this has been natural or easy. But just as much as it's been ugly and painful and frustrating, it's been beautiful and amazing and redemptive, for all of us. I've come to realize that what we do everyday is a calling. It's a decision we made to trust God's plan for our lives and take a leap of faith that He will take care of the rest. It's a way to be the hands and feet of Jesus in a more tangible way, and to care for these beautiful children that He loves WAY more than we ever could, and who He knew before they were even formed in the womb. He chose us as their parents long ago, and even though this has been the most challenging time of my whole life, I'm strengthened by God's faithfulness and goodness every time I look into my sweet boys' eyes.

If this time has taught me anything, it's how little control we really have over our own lives, and how much this life is not our own and not for our own pleasure. God is using us for a GREATER purpose and it's not always easy, and it's not always how we want it, but we're exactly where He needs us. This season has given us no choice but to fully surrender and be 100% reliant upon Him, even when we thought we already were. He has humbled us in ways deeper than we knew possible. He is refining us, stripping us of anything and everything we think we can hold onto and making us more like Him. His kingdom is being furthered because we are working to remain faithful, and that's what makes this all worth it.

Okay, now that all the mushy stuff is out of the way, let me give you our update.

- One of L's relative was able to get her National ID that was ready, but she had not obtained it yet. Unfortunately her name was spelled completely wrong, and we were nervous the Embassy wouldn't accept it. So after 5 days of e-mails back and forth, they finally told us that it would be acceptable. PRAISE JESUS.

- The other one of L's relatives and J's relative had no ID and one had no birth certificate. So we have now obtained the birth certificate, applied for their passports and paid the legal expedite fee for 2 day completion.

- As of Saturday, WE HAVE THE PASSPORTS IN HAND (there are literally no words), and we are believing the Embassy will try to get us in quickly.

- We have already sent an e-mail notifying them of our update, and will wait to hear their reply. Typically you have to wait 2 days from your interview date to pick up the visas, so we are still unsure as to when we will be able to come home, until we hear back from the Embassy.

Again, we have no idea how this will all shake out, or what lies ahead, but we are putting our trust in God and remaining faithful in His promise to us. From the beginning of this journey our adoption mantra has been Hebrews 10:23, "Let us hold fast the confession of our hope WITHOUT WAVERING, for He who promised is faithful." That verse has been on the wall of our home for over a year now, and it has never felt as confirming as it does right now. We serve a mighty God, and we are excited to share with you the good news THIS week.

Here's a few pics of our time with Jon and Becca. Thankfully Becca filled in as my photographer, because I hardly took any pictures!