Merry and Bright!

Hi Friends,

Merry Christmas to you all! I pray you were all able to spend some wonderful time with family and friends, and that you were able to celebrate the true meaning of Christmas. We really enjoyed taking a step back and being able to explain the story of the first Christmas to Jordan and Sebastian. It definitely keeps things in perspective!

I'm sorry for the delay in writing, but to be honest, I've been exhausted! I haven't wanted to do much of anything (except sleep!), and it's been hard to find some time to myself to get words on paper. Things have been a bit crazy since we got home, and I feel like it's been non-stop. Between Thanksgiving, my best friend's 30th birthday, Sebastian's birthday, doctor's appointments, medical assessments, buying presents, wrapping presents, and traveling to New York for Christmas, it's been a little insane. As happy as I am to have been home for the holidays, I will be really happy to have a bit of a reprieve from it all and just get into a normal routine with the boys. 

Nevertheless, it was AMAZING to see Christmas through the eyes of our boys, and be able to share in all these firsts with them! From them learning about Santa and then seeing him for the first time, doing advent every night, and learning more about Jesus - to not knowing how to open presents, getting BEYOND excited for new shoes and a few toys, LOVING their new Christmas pajamas, spending time with my side of the family, and wishing it were Christmas again tomorrow - it's been awesome :) Paul and I were so humbled by their little hearts, and we have been overwhelmed at their awe and joy. We are seriously SO blessed by these little lives, and watching their thoughts change from an orphan mindset, to one of family, has been the best Christmas present we could ask for. While there were so many changes this Christmas and no snowy weather, we still felt thrilled to be able to spend time with family and see the outpouring of love for our children. While Paul and I had little money to spend this Christmas, and even though we chose not to exchange gifts with each other to help save money, God continues to provide for our family in so many ways. We were able to be reminded of the gift of Jesus, and how profound that is with the addition of Jordan and Sebastian to our family. We serve such a faithful God.

Reading with Auntie Rachelle and Cousin Gia

Playing with Cousins Ezekiel and Josiah

Filling the snowman bird feeder with Grampy

Playing "Donkey" with Grampy (Donkeys are all the rage since they learned about Mary and Joseph ;)

Uncle Mike with his new addition, Alexander! Sebastian holding his new cousin! He was so sweet with him! Listening to Grampy read the Christmas story before we open presents Officially Yankee fans :) Cringe all you want haters, but they are definitely part of the Sebastian clan! Jman was a little grumpy here, but still cute! My present, Sebastian! Reading their new book with cousin Gia! Cousin love! Bows were also all the rage! :) Sebastian showing off his beatboxing skills! Jordan FINALLY got a weed-whacker (a machine)!! He has not stopped playing with it since he opened it! SO tired, but he refused to let his machine go! Playing in their new "car"!

So going back to non-Christmasy things...life has been, well, difficult. If I'm being honest, I have been exhausted, overwhelmed and often feeling like I'm failing. I know that's not the case, and I know I'm doing my absolute best, but gosh darn it, it often feels like it's not enough. I still lose my patience and I still have trouble getting through the whole day, but with God's grace, things are getting better. The boys are still not really able to go to public places without getting completely overstimulated, and one trip to the store or even a playdate with a million toys, leaves them wired for days. Let me give you an example...For a little background, Jordan is PETRIFIED of full-sized Santas (and the real one for that matter!), anything with shaggy fur and dogs. Sebastian is also very scared of dogs, and it's often a problem when we're out and about. However, they are slowly getting more used to the idea, but it's still a challenge. So, back to the story...The day before we were leaving for New York I needed to pick up a prescription for the boys. I decided to brave going to CVS with them because we REALLY NEEDED this medication. So I walk into CVS with both little hands in mine, and Jordan immediately has a meltdown because there are life-sized Santas EVERYWHERE. I mean EVERYWHERE. How could I have not predicted this?! So I kneel down to his level and after about 5 minutes, I get him calm enough to keep going. After 15 minutes of walking slowly and continued reassurance, we finally get to the back of the store where the pharmacy is. As soon as we get in line, I think, phew! that could've been really bad...and then...a lady with a service dog THE SIZE OF A ST. BERNARD gets in line behind us. I see the dog before the boys do, and I know this is going to be bad. Once they see the dog, they immediately start screaming and crying and climb up me like a tree. At this point there are 4 people in front of me and about 4 behind me, and there is nowhere to go. The spectacle continues for about 5 minutes straight before I can get them to calm down to the point of no screaming. They still refuse to let me put them down, which means I am carrying two 40lb. boys and my purse for about 10 minutes straight. FINALLY they let me set them down, but are still whimpering and cowering behind my legs the entire time. At this point I am also in tears and apologizing to everyone around me for the scene. We finally get up to the front of the line, and the pharmacy tells me their prescription is going to be $676 EACH. I literally gulped loud enough for everyone to hear. I calmly tell them I need to call my husband and then try to maneuver the boys to the little row of chairs nearby. During this time, the boys are still trying to navigate themselves as far from the dog as possible, and in the meantime, Jordan knocks over an entire display tower of medicine. It topples all over the floor, and I again begin to silently cry. I sit the boys down in the chairs and slowly pick up the medicine. I then spend the next 45 minutes in CVS calling our pediatrician and all around our town trying to find a cheaper option for this medication. I finally get it all worked out, but the meds won't be ready until after 3pm and it's only 1. So I then gather up the boys, and spend the next 10 minutes trying to get Jordan out of CVS and back into the van. It was horrible for all parties, and it was all I could do to not swear off all future outings! I'm sure you're either crying with me or laughing hysterically while reading this, and both are equally appropriate! I have done a little of both at the ridiculousness of these situations, and all I can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other! 

Being home in New York for Christmas has only increased the tendency for over-stimulation, and they haven't slept for more than 3-5 hours a night, almost every night we've been here (which means Paul and I aren't sleeping through the night...which means dragon Bettina has been out more often than not!). We've woken up to them screaming gleefully in full play mode at 2-3am, marching and skipping around the upstairs at 4am, doing somersaults and headstands at midnight...you get the idea. We've been exasperated at the lack of sleep, despite a million proven sleep tactics, and it's all we can do to make it through the day. Every day they test our limits...every day they test our love...and every day we try to prove ours. I'm not gonna lie here folks, adoption is tough. While all children have meltdowns and behavioral issues, our children's misbehavior and defiance comes from a place of distrust, trauma and fear. While your child may fight you on sleep or have meltdown after meltdown, they know you love them and will be there for them. Our children on the other hand are still trying to learn that, and they are trying to see if and when we will leave them. They have learned that abandonment and fear and sadness is the norm, and it's easier to push us away than it is to let us love them. So every day becomes another day to change that mindset, but it doesn't make it any easier. Our love for them is fierce and unwavering, but the hurt and grief behind their behavior often makes for ugly days. Don't get me wrong, adoption is beautiful and God-ordained, but there are so many spiritual and emotional barriers that were put in place long before we came into the picture, and it makes creating a family the way God intended it all the more difficult. Emotionally I am spent more often than not, and while I am overcome with joy and love for my sons, every day is still a huge challenge. Paul and I have been trying to look at these challenges more as opportunities to change our own behavior while we work on theirs, but dang, that's been tough. With little sleep on our part and the constant battle of emotions, I find myself letting my temper get the best of me. That's not to say I don't then kneel down and apologize to my boys for my loss of control, but I'm working hard to not do it in the first place, and that, my friends, is a feat! I really don't know how God is so gracious and merciful and giving to us all the time, because with the way we act, we definitely don't deserve it. BUT that's what grace and mercy are all about, and I work hard to remember that when parenting my children. 

Despite all the emotions, we are also working hard on the physical side of things. The boys need so many medical interventions in the coming months, and Paul and I are trying to figure out how God will provide financially for all we need. We have already had physicals done, blood panels done, flu shots done, and gone through a full course of anti-fungals and anti-parasitics (which we're believing will help with a whole host of issues!). However, we still need to have auditory testing, developmental testing, vaccinations, repeat parasite testing, and dental work done. Additionally, since Jordan was declined for special education services through the county school system, we are having to go through private practices for speech and occupational therapy. All of these will hopefully be done or started by March, but we are believing for God to come through in big ways for all of these needs. 

We had our first home-visit from our social worker before Christmas, which seemed to go well. She was pleased with the boys behavior and attachment to us, and we will hopefully get the full report this week. We need 2 more visits in the next 5 months in order to petition for adoption in the United States, which will then trigger a whole host of new paperwork, and we will need to hire an attorney to complete the court process for us. It's daunting to think about all that needs to be done, but again, I'm trying to take it one day at a time and trust that God will sustain me for the rest!

With the new year comes new refreshing and changes, and I'm excited for what 2016 has in store for our family. We are believing for BIG things all around, and looking forward to settling in more as a family. There are still so many needs to work through and so many logistics ahead, but I'm excited to see God's plan for our lives unfold, and even more excited to see the healing continue to take place in Sebastian and Jordan. 

We can't thank you all enough for the love, support, meals and financial support. Even though we are home there is still such a long journey ahead and we covet your continued prayers and emotional support as we navigate this crazy thing called parenthood :)

Praying you all have a safe and joyful New Years!