The Best Yes
Being a dad is hard work. Being a good dad is even more difficult. Being the best dad feels impossible.
Before I was a dad, I would have told you how hard my job was, how much time and energy it took, how mentally tough it was, and how it felt thankless at times. Being a dad puts all that into perspective. Being a great dad takes so much time, effort, mental fortitude, compassion, grace, and patience. As much as I want being a dad to be natural, I have to be unbelievably intentional with my kids. Don't misunderstand me, I love my kids so much and it is a natural love, but the acting in a loving manner takes a lot of effort. I have to constantly remind myself of the importance of how I act, react, speak to and speak about my kids. Kids are hard work. I want to choose laying on the couch over crawling around like an animal or watching TV over letting my kids jump on me, but for me, those are incredibly important decisions for kids. They need to be constantly reminded of how valuable they are, how much I love them and that their lives matter. I want my kids to know they are going to have an impact on the world, in their own way and in their own style.
Parenting kids who are adopted is different, not bad, just different. Most adopted kids have spent days, weeks, months, years not knowing they are loved. They have histories we know nothing about. They have clearly had horrific experiences that we only get glimpses into based on their current behavior and reactions to situations. I spend a lot of time trying to determine if their behavior is because they're a certain age, or because their background or because they have something else going on, but honestly, it doesn't matter. Kids just want to know they are loved, will always be loved and are important, no matter what. I get asked the question almost everyday, "Dad, you'll never stop loving me?", and of course I respond, "I'll never stop loving you bud, no matter what." But I'm thinking, "Duuuuude, what do you think has changed in the last 12 hours?! You know I love you kid!!" He just wants to hear it. They want to know their mom and dad are here and are never leaving.
What parenting has also given me is a deeper relationship with God. I've needed his grace, guidance and patience more than ever before. I make parenting mistakes daily, sometimes I realize them in the moment, sometimes it takes a conversation with someone for me to recognize where I went wrong, sometimes I don't realize it for months. Regardless, God's grace is waiting for me. I have learned a lot about personal sacrifice as a parent, spending a majority of time doing things I "don't want to do," then realizing how wrong that attitude is. When we plan our future, we skip over the day to day, the tough decisions, the hard times and think about the upcoming weekend or vacation or retirement and how great they will be. What God has taught me is your best memories are forged in the day to day, when you choose to do something that isn't meant to be "fun," when you say yes to helping someone (including your kids!), even if you don't feel like it. Those are where great memories are made.
For the dads out there: I used to think I knew everything, that I would always have the answers, but now I realize I have so much to learn and great people to learn from. Embrace those relationships. We aren't meant to do this alone. Lean into those around you and share your heart with them. Don't be scared of being judged or spend your days worrying if the parenting decisions you are making are right. There's no corporate ladder to climb as a dad, you are the only one qualified for the job, so put aside your pride. Ask for help and advice. Parenting isn't a formula with one right answers, so learn from one another and figure out how it can work in your family. Being a dad just might be the most difficult thing you do in life. Don't hide behind your job or hobbies and forget to be a dad first. I'm not saying don't have hobbies or to not spend time away from your kids, I'm asking you to look into your heart and recognize when and why you are choosing other activities over your family. I've struggled with this from day one, but some of the most rewarding times in my life have been when I chose to spend time with my kids and just be. You don't need all sorts of toys or games or events to go to, just say yes to them, allow yourself to be part of the little world around them and watch their faces light up with joy. And if that's not enough, be a great husband too. Take care of your wife, recognize the things she is going through and be there to support her. Make quality time a priority and come with flowers, chocolates, cookie dough or whatever brings a big smile to her face. Don't ever forget you're a team - she's on your side and you need her there.
My family is amazing, and so is yours. God has a great plan for all of us, it just involves a lot of difficult yeses. Those yeses are so rewarding and will cause you to grow in ways you didn't think possible. You'll look back and wonder how you got to where you are, how your mind has shifted into a much better place and how much more capacity you have to love others. We said yes and now I have the absolute privilege of parenting two amazing little boys. We have learned a ton, been pushed in ways I would have said no to if given the choice, but look back and realize those are the experiences that have put Olivia in our lives. Come November (we pray), after 10 months of knowing her and finally getting to meet her, I so look forward to holding her in my arms, telling her I love her, instilling in her every day how beautiful she is, how amazing she is and how she is going to have a great impact on the world. I can't wait to be her dad.
Happy Father's Day. Keep being the best dad you can be.
