The Waiting Game
Sweet friends,
I wanted to give you an update on all parts of our life as well as outline our adoption timeline for Olivia. I can't promise to be brief, but hopefully you'll bear with me :)
In regards to our adoption we are moving steadily along. We just completed our dossier paperwork (basically our entire lives in 16 documents and a total of $3,000), and have now sent it off to our agency to be reviewed and translated. Once that's complete they will send it to China and it will get logged into their system. Once that happens we will get a document letting us know that we are officially approved to adopt her, which will then trigger our next set of paperwork (yay!). Below is a visual which outlines the basic document process. Our agency is anticipating we will travel in November to go get her, but we're hopeful it could be sooner if things progress as they should. We got some new pictures and videos of her that completely melt our heart. Every time we see her we picture our first meeting, and we get chills thinking about the fact that one more child will be loved and placed into a family.
With that said, this is where the emotions really start to get raw. In the paperwork stage, the waiting is hard, but there is something tangible to work towards. There are checklists and signatures and notarizations and copies and fingerprints, and the list goes on. But when it's done and submitted, that's when the waiting becomes excruciating. For those of you who know me, you know I'm a planner. I have spreadsheets and to-do lists everywhere and I get the job done. So having to relinquish those things and wait for someone else to complete them is torture. At least in the paperwork phase we're distracted; we want her home and feel her absence, but the endless amount of checklists keep us feeling like we're moving forward. But when the paperwork is done that feeling of longing intensifies significantly. Over the last few weeks Paul and I have looked at each other and felt the deep sadness for our daughter to be home. The thought of her in a crib most of the day with minimal love or affection breaks our hearts. Children should not be in institutions, they should be in families, and it drives me crazy to think that the only thing stopping her from coming home is 100 pieces of paper. The ache is real, more real than I could ever express in words, and our family won't be whole until she's home. Once you say yes to a child they become a part of you. They weave themselves so deep into your heart, and it's all you can do to keep your emotions and heart in check. We talk about her everyday and pray for her every night. Our boys discuss what they will teach her and how pretty she'll look in her dresses. We discuss new routines and what it will look like when she's home. We talk about the beauty of her eyes and love in her heart, despite the red and blue of her skin. We dream - of our family together, of the life she'll lead, of the impact she'll make, of the worth and beauty she'll feel. It's so hard, but in the waiting God continues to give us peace. He continues to show us His love. He continues to point us toward Him. One day at a time, one step at a time...We're comin' for ya soon sweet girl!
On the flip side, in our own home, we are still working through Jordan's diagnosis of PANS and what that looks like. We have now done 2 courses of antibiotics, but his IgG numbers are still very high. When he finished the first course of antibiotics we took him off for 1.5 weeks, and we saw a stark regression in his behaviors, which was extremely discouraging. At this stage his symptoms are much better managed, but there are still many days where the trauma and illness is REAL.
So while I share all of this hard with you, my faithful readers, I will leave you with the beauty in it all.
I read a quote recently that said, "I am afraid of missing the beautiful grace God wants to show me in the midst of the uncomfortable." -- Joy Forney
This hit me hard. Really hard.
Since day 1 of landing on Ugandan soil for our adoption, almost 2 years ago, God has been doing a mighty work in our family. It has been equally messy and redeeming, but it has never been easy. We have been constantly fighting one battle or the next and having to trust God with everything we are, every step of the way. Everyday is a new opportunity, and so often I let myself get lost in the trauma and don't see the redemption.
I wanted to give you an update on all parts of our life as well as outline our adoption timeline for Olivia. I can't promise to be brief, but hopefully you'll bear with me :)
In regards to our adoption we are moving steadily along. We just completed our dossier paperwork (basically our entire lives in 16 documents and a total of $3,000), and have now sent it off to our agency to be reviewed and translated. Once that's complete they will send it to China and it will get logged into their system. Once that happens we will get a document letting us know that we are officially approved to adopt her, which will then trigger our next set of paperwork (yay!). Below is a visual which outlines the basic document process. Our agency is anticipating we will travel in November to go get her, but we're hopeful it could be sooner if things progress as they should. We got some new pictures and videos of her that completely melt our heart. Every time we see her we picture our first meeting, and we get chills thinking about the fact that one more child will be loved and placed into a family.
With that said, this is where the emotions really start to get raw. In the paperwork stage, the waiting is hard, but there is something tangible to work towards. There are checklists and signatures and notarizations and copies and fingerprints, and the list goes on. But when it's done and submitted, that's when the waiting becomes excruciating. For those of you who know me, you know I'm a planner. I have spreadsheets and to-do lists everywhere and I get the job done. So having to relinquish those things and wait for someone else to complete them is torture. At least in the paperwork phase we're distracted; we want her home and feel her absence, but the endless amount of checklists keep us feeling like we're moving forward. But when the paperwork is done that feeling of longing intensifies significantly. Over the last few weeks Paul and I have looked at each other and felt the deep sadness for our daughter to be home. The thought of her in a crib most of the day with minimal love or affection breaks our hearts. Children should not be in institutions, they should be in families, and it drives me crazy to think that the only thing stopping her from coming home is 100 pieces of paper. The ache is real, more real than I could ever express in words, and our family won't be whole until she's home. Once you say yes to a child they become a part of you. They weave themselves so deep into your heart, and it's all you can do to keep your emotions and heart in check. We talk about her everyday and pray for her every night. Our boys discuss what they will teach her and how pretty she'll look in her dresses. We discuss new routines and what it will look like when she's home. We talk about the beauty of her eyes and love in her heart, despite the red and blue of her skin. We dream - of our family together, of the life she'll lead, of the impact she'll make, of the worth and beauty she'll feel. It's so hard, but in the waiting God continues to give us peace. He continues to show us His love. He continues to point us toward Him. One day at a time, one step at a time...We're comin' for ya soon sweet girl!
On the flip side, in our own home, we are still working through Jordan's diagnosis of PANS and what that looks like. We have now done 2 courses of antibiotics, but his IgG numbers are still very high. When he finished the first course of antibiotics we took him off for 1.5 weeks, and we saw a stark regression in his behaviors, which was extremely discouraging. At this stage his symptoms are much better managed, but there are still many days where the trauma and illness is REAL.
If I'm being honest, I'm a little scared to finish this next course of treatment, because if things haven't improved I'm not really sure what the next step is. We are still pursuing every holistic option we can, but it feels very overwhelming most of the time. Right now he's taking a mix of 8 meds/supplements in the morning and 5 in the afternoon. We are researching treatment options, longevity of symptoms, prognosis, and specialists in Virginia. Needless to say it's been a lot.
While things have been improving since he's been on meds, it's still often a question as to how the day will go. I hate to admit this, but I am often nervous before picking him up from school, because I never quite know what the day will hold. Despite continuing to pray for his healing daily, I still find myself tense and nervous that the trauma will surface and the day for me will be done. While Jordan often bounces back in an hour or so, I sometimes need 1-2 days before I feel back to normal. Last week I was talking to Jordan's counselor and he used the analogy of getting hit by wave after wave in the ocean. When you're on watch for them and expecting them, it feels easier. You get used to the impact and your body preps for it, so then when it hits you, you're ready. It's when you're not expecting it, or when it comes out of no where, that's when the shock happens. So when we first came home, I expected the trauma. I expected it to be hard and messy. I expected there to be lots of struggle. I expected the constant need for intention and love and protection. But his counselor was confirming that when parents experience an improvement in behavior they let their guard down a bit, and then when the trauma episode happens they're not as equipped emotionally and it takes much longer to recover. YES. EXACTLY. He was spot on. And while this doesn't change the emotion behind it for me, it was incredibly reassuring that I wasn't experiencing something abnormal for this scenario. It's just going to take more time. More healing. More growth. More redemption. One day at a time.
Please continue to keep our sweet boy in your prayers. He is improving and growing and changing in so many ways, but the healing that still needs to take place is extensive. I have no doubt that he will be a world-changer however God leads him, but right now, he just needs love. He needs the constant reassurance that he's safe. He needs to know we're never going to leave him. He needs to know he's a part of our family forever and nothing will change that. I often think to him, "why won't you just let us love you?" And then I think about his past, and I remind myself that allowing himself to let us in is a risk for him. Allowing himself to let us simply love him is scary. Allowing himself to open up and be vulnerable is something he's never learned to do. So OF COURSE he would respond this way. He's never felt safe, so why would getting new parents and moving half-way across the world change that? And then I think that this is exactly how God must feel for us. He just wants us to draw near to Him. To trust Him. To allow Him to love us. And yet, we still struggle almost daily with that. So if I, who was raised in a loving home and nurtured from birth, can't 100% of the time relinquish myself over to Jesus, why should Jordan do that for us? So you see, it's a constant struggle. A struggle between emotion and logic. A struggle to simply meet Jordan where he is and love him exactly how he is in that moment. A struggle to not feel the need to change the behaviors that he's established to protect himself. Only with Jesus, friends.
Please continue to keep our sweet boy in your prayers. He is improving and growing and changing in so many ways, but the healing that still needs to take place is extensive. I have no doubt that he will be a world-changer however God leads him, but right now, he just needs love. He needs the constant reassurance that he's safe. He needs to know we're never going to leave him. He needs to know he's a part of our family forever and nothing will change that. I often think to him, "why won't you just let us love you?" And then I think about his past, and I remind myself that allowing himself to let us in is a risk for him. Allowing himself to let us simply love him is scary. Allowing himself to open up and be vulnerable is something he's never learned to do. So OF COURSE he would respond this way. He's never felt safe, so why would getting new parents and moving half-way across the world change that? And then I think that this is exactly how God must feel for us. He just wants us to draw near to Him. To trust Him. To allow Him to love us. And yet, we still struggle almost daily with that. So if I, who was raised in a loving home and nurtured from birth, can't 100% of the time relinquish myself over to Jesus, why should Jordan do that for us? So you see, it's a constant struggle. A struggle between emotion and logic. A struggle to simply meet Jordan where he is and love him exactly how he is in that moment. A struggle to not feel the need to change the behaviors that he's established to protect himself. Only with Jesus, friends.
So while I share all of this hard with you, my faithful readers, I will leave you with the beauty in it all.
I read a quote recently that said, "I am afraid of missing the beautiful grace God wants to show me in the midst of the uncomfortable." -- Joy Forney
This hit me hard. Really hard.
Since day 1 of landing on Ugandan soil for our adoption, almost 2 years ago, God has been doing a mighty work in our family. It has been equally messy and redeeming, but it has never been easy. We have been constantly fighting one battle or the next and having to trust God with everything we are, every step of the way. Everyday is a new opportunity, and so often I let myself get lost in the trauma and don't see the redemption.
When I look back on this time I realize how many times I let beauty pass.
How many times I've let my thoughts get the best of me.
How many times I've let my thoughts get the best of me.
How many times I've believed the lies of inadequacy and fear.
How many times I've let the negativity overshadow the joy.
However, Paul and I have been praying for a while that God would use us in ways that are uncomfortable - and now here we are - smack dab in the middle of a beautiful life filled with way more grace than we deserve. And while it's been a labor of love and sacrifice in more ways than I ever imagined, I wouldn't change any of it, because it's given me a glimpse of just how fiercely our God loves us. It's taught me how to trust more, love deeper, spread more kindness, and to approach people with more grace and less judgement.
I realize that in the midst of being uncomfortable, God is changing us...molding us...stretching us...and I don't want to miss it. I don't want to be the reason I miss out on God's plan for my life. So we continue to say yes to the hard things. We continue to trust God even in the midst of chaos. We continue to see the beauty that's being revealed in front of us. We continue to allow God to deepen our capacity. Especially when it's uncomfortable. So take heart, friends, it's all worth it.
We can't thank you enough for your love and support. We couldn't do this without you.
How many times I've let the negativity overshadow the joy.
However, Paul and I have been praying for a while that God would use us in ways that are uncomfortable - and now here we are - smack dab in the middle of a beautiful life filled with way more grace than we deserve. And while it's been a labor of love and sacrifice in more ways than I ever imagined, I wouldn't change any of it, because it's given me a glimpse of just how fiercely our God loves us. It's taught me how to trust more, love deeper, spread more kindness, and to approach people with more grace and less judgement.
I realize that in the midst of being uncomfortable, God is changing us...molding us...stretching us...and I don't want to miss it. I don't want to be the reason I miss out on God's plan for my life. So we continue to say yes to the hard things. We continue to trust God even in the midst of chaos. We continue to see the beauty that's being revealed in front of us. We continue to allow God to deepen our capacity. Especially when it's uncomfortable. So take heart, friends, it's all worth it.
We can't thank you enough for your love and support. We couldn't do this without you.