Oh My Heart

Hi Friends,

I'm sorry it's been so long since I've written. To be honest, it's been a challenging season for us, and it's been all I could do to just keep moving forward. 

I'm sure so many of you are thinking, "why is it always so hard?" 

Well friends, while adoption is THE MOST beautiful thing I have ever done, it's also more difficult than I could ever express in words. This month is adoption awareness month, and while I do need to update you on the status of things, I also wanted to take a moment and share my heart.

So many people look at adoption as a beautiful love story where we as parents rescue these children and then all this love ensues and we all live happily ever after. I can't tell you how many times people say to me, "your kids are SO LUCKY you adopted them." I'm gonna tell you like it is -- that expression makes me cringe at my innermost being. 

My kids are not lucky -- Paul and I are blessed by God with the responsibility to love, care for and take part in the healing of these incredible lives, but luck has nothing to do with it. 

My kids are not lucky -- As their momma, I would want my boys to still be in Uganda with their first families feeling cared for. 

My kids are not lucky -- They have lost everything about them. Their culture, heritage, language, family, identity and race. 

My kids are not lucky -- They have more hurt and deeper wounds than I care to admit, and it's been a constant fight for their love, safety and identity in a family that looks nothing like them.

My kids are not lucky -- When I look at their early pictures and see the emptiness behind their eyes, and I realize there are years I will never know about, and trauma that will take decades to heal from.

There's a quote I heard recently that has helped me explain this concept to people. 

Jordan

Sebastian

"Adoption loss is the only trauma in the world where the victims are expected by the whole of society to be grateful" 

-Keith C. Griffith

Let that soak in. 

Olivia

We don't say to people in their second marriage, "Congratulations! You got divorced and then re-married! How awesome! You are so lucky! Congratulations kids on a new step mom!" 

People would think you're CRAZY. 

Yet, that's exactly what people do to my kids everyday. 

They tell them how they should feel and what emotions are appropriate based on the outside view. 

Based on the concept that adoption is love and only love.

Based on the idea that once you adopt, everyone should be happy because you all got what you wanted...my kids got a family and we got children.

All of this thinking is such an injustice to the process.

It's such an injustice to my sweet boys who have lost everything and are still trying to pick up the pieces one day at a time, and many times one hour at a time. 

It's an injustice to us as adoptive parents who are desperately trying to help our children heal, while at the same time protecting their story because it's not ours to tell. 

It's an injustice to the processing that comes slowly over time, and frequently between trauma, tears, anger, and sadness. 

It's an injustice because it fosters the idea that a life and identity can be disposable. 

While most of you see the happy posts on social media, the smiles, the dance moves and the excitement, you don't see that a lot of times those moments are a survival mode for our kids because they don't know how to process what's happening in their lives.  

You don't see the fits of rage, the hours spent on the floor in tears, or the constant rocking, holding or restraining that takes place so we all stay safe. 

There is a light that goes off in all of us in those moments, but is then followed by the little bits of redemption and healing that only come from Jesus.

As their parents, we want to take away everything that's happened to them and just give them life, healing and wholeness. But as their parents we are realizing that while a lot of healing is happening, much of it can only be healed through Jesus. Much of it they may carry with them forever, and as a parent that is the most heart-breaking thing you can imagine. 

Watching your kids suffer through pain they can't even understand yet is the slowest form of torture, but oh how beautiful the bits and pieces of LIFE are that come from those moments. 

I want you to understand that this is not a "woe is me" post. 

This is not "feel sorry for us." 

This is a real life encounter of adoption that most people don't understand and won't ever try to understand. 

This is an aspect that people won't ever see, and don't know how to relate to. 

This is creating awareness around adoption and what it means to those of us walking it day in and day out. 

What I do want you to understand is that, despite the ugly and the mess and the heart-break, this journey is 100% worth it. 

It's worth every tear, every painful experience, every unknown, and every difficult season because, while adoption is about family, it's actually about working with Jesus to restore LIFE. 

Every child DOES deserve a family regardless of gender, age, race, disability or nationality, but the true heart of adoption comes from the determination to live out the gospel.

To care for orphans in distress -- giving up your own selfish desires -- and partner with Heaven to give as much life as you can to these little hearts.

Friends, these have been the hardest and most beautiful years of my life, and through it all I wouldn't change a thing. 

Through all the hurt and frustrations and feelings of helplessness, everything we've done has brought our family closer to Jesus and closer to healing.

All those moments spent on my closet floor crying out to God for help has given me the most incredible perspective into the hearts of my children; and it's in those moments that I am transformed.

If you have ever considered adoption, whether domestically or internationally, I would love to chat with you. I know some of this sounds scary and hard, and it is, but it's also the most incredible thing you will ever do, and these children are worth it. They are worth every tear, every dollar spent, every moment of fear and every sacrifice you will make. 

It starts with a single yes and then watching as God takes the reins. This is where your life begins.